A brutally honest guide to thriving on dating apps
I started this side project after drowning in countless requests for dating app profile reviews. I had more requests than I had time, and decided to distill my knowledge into a brief guide and offer additional resources at the end. This guide will be continually updated.
Navigation
Why do most men struggle on dating apps?
• Dating is extremely vulnerable and rejection stings. It’s easier to lie to ourselves on why we’re not seeing success rather than taking an honest, rational, approach to self reflection• The Catch 22 around practice. You need matches to get enough practice and vice versa. Most men don't get nearly enough matches to even have the opportunity to practice and get better• There are very few honest sources of feedback from people who know what they're talking about. Reddit is the blind leading the blind. Friends are biased. Attraction in general is hard to explain - it's art, not a science, which makes it difficult for people communicate their honest thoughts• Lack of experience being around women, not just in a romantic sense, but also in a platonic/friendship sense - both are equally important• The male gaze and female gaze are different. Attraction doesn’t work the same way for both parties• Dating apps are a different “system". The dynamics and rules that apply IRL don’t apply on dating apps.
Learn to play the game
I want to emphasize the last point. Dating apps are a different system than IRL, and hence present a different game that you as a user must learn how to play. Here are a few examples on nuances that exist only on dating apps:• Men outnumber women. IRL is 50/50, dating apps are 70/30 men• Both parties have a seemingly endless buffet of options they can choose from, leading to standards increasing on both sides - this is commonly known as the paradox of choice• Attraction is established from the get go. By matching, both parties signal that they are interested in each other (to a degree), and the conversation flows accordingly. No such signal exists in real life• Dating apps are designed to make money, and every time they do their job, they lose two potential paying customers. To counteract this, here’s how dating apps fundamentally work:
• They initially present you with fantastic options and girls you would likely swipe on and date, while also putting your profile in front of great options. This is done to learn what your type/taste is.• Once your type/taste has been determined, these profiles are gatekept and made harder to access. They paywall these profiles behind the Roses/Top Picks etc. section• Of course, they can’t fully block access to the top options and fully prevent you from seeing good profiles - then no one would use the app! Rather, they sprinkle in top options from time to time in your feed, keeping you hooked and optimistic that the right option will come your way eventually.• This is why you see women claiming to struggle on dating apps, despite them having plenty of options. For men, dating apps are an artificial desert, and for women dating apps are an artificial swamp. The "clean water" is hard to find for both parties, just in different ways.
• Most dating app algorithms used to operate on an ELO model. Now they operate on the Stable Marriage Algorithm.• Tinder, Hinge, Plenty of Fish, Match.com etc. are all owned by the same company - Match Group. The problem isn’t which app you’re using, it’s merely the illusion of choice. I would use a combination of apps (Hinge, Tinder, Bumble etc) to cast a wide net, and not rely on how one algorithm may be skewed.
Mentality
• Know what your intentions are. Dating apps for a relationship is different from dating apps for a hook up. You can use apps for both, but there are different approaches for each intention, specifically when it comes to messaging. I'm putting together a guide for getting casual intimacy through dating apps here [coming soon].• Date for compatibility. Your job isn’t convince someone to like you. Your job is to be your truest and most authentic self and find someone who’s compatible with that. Always, always, always operate with self respect.
• That doesn’t mean you can be a lazy slob and find someone who’s compatible with that. It means continually striving to become the best version of yourself and finding someone who complements you.
• “You can be the ripest, juiciest, sweetest peach in the orchard, but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches”. Control what you can control.• Maximize luck. So much of dating is coming across the right person, which is mostly a function of luck. You can’t control luck, but you can create it through your behaviors. Put yourself in situations where you can be lucky, and be intentional about choosing behaviors that drive luck. (i.e where you live, how often you use apps, how quickly you respond etc.)• Don’t forget that you’re operating in an artificial environment. Dating apps, for the reasons described earlier, are not representative of real world dynamics• Just like everything, dating is a skill that can be developed over time. Don't expect to be great at it off the bat - you can 100% get better over time. Furthermore, there are people who are great at dating IRL that can't translate that success to dating apps because once again, dating apps are a completely different ballgame• Stop believing the copium lies that are prevalent on Reddit, i.e “Dating apps are only for the top 10% of attractive guys”. Dating apps aren't only for the top 10% of guys - the reality is that most guys on Reddit are below average. Once again, don't take dating advice from Reddit.• People aren’t judging you. They’re judging 6 pictures and 3 prompts of you. You are more than your dating app profile.
General Principles of Dating
• Looks come first, personality second. We are captivated by our heart first, and rationalize with our brain.
• That doesn’t mean that attractive guys with a bad personality fare better than you, nor does it mean that an average guy with a great personality can’t be successful• On a dating app however, people tend to be more superficial and picky than IRL, and you must acknowledge this fact accordingly• At the end of the day, dating apps are just an exercise of pattern matching.
• People are attracted to what they earn
• No one wants a participation medal. This is the principle behind “nice guys”. Being too nice and available is not representative of attraction that is earned. It feels like you’re giving yourself away like a free sample at Costco.
• However, there is a middle ground between being overly nice and overly toxic. It’s the push and pull method
• Learn when to push - i.e show affection, demonstrate attraction, express interest, give compliments etc.• Learn when to pull - give them space to develop feelings/attraction for you, don’t make them feel like they’re the only option, don't be too available, don't do too much too soon and introduce a bit of mystery. THIS IS WHERE ATTRACTION DEVELOPS. Attraction comes from the pulls, not the pushes. You need both and learning how to effectively balance this is probably the most important skill you can learn. They should cherish you them same way you cherish them.
• Again, this is another lie that Reddit preaches, “don’t play games”. Wrong. It’s not a a game, it’s human psychology. We always want what we can't have and tend to value what we've earned more.• Dating dynamics change drastically based on age. Who/how/what your prioritize changes based on how old you are, and more importantly, how mature you are. However, in my personal experience, the fundamental mechanisms behind attraction don't change with age.• At the end of the day, you have to be honest with yourself and ask, why would someone swipe right on me? Would I swipe right on myself?• Don't ever put anyone on a pedestal. You are worthy of respect.• Everyone is on dating apps for the same reason, but no one likes acknowledging it. That said, don’t try TOO hard - ex. having a super long bio, adding a prompt to every single pic, getting upset when you have to carry a conversation etc. Play it cool. This might change as you get older though (30+)• When someone is into you, you will know. Their actions will line up. If they don't move on.• Don’t ask a fish how to fish, ask a fisherman.
In the next section, I’ll break down the dynamics of a successful dating app experience. You’ll notice that I don’t offer too many specific examples due to the second order effects. The challenge with providing specific examples and following conventional dating app wisdom is that:1. When it works, it becomes popular
2. When it becomes popular, everyone starts using it
3. When everyone starts using it, it gets beaten to death and loses all its meritYou're not going to get anywhere doing what everyone else is doing. Like I said, you must learn how to play the game of dating apps. I have a collection of specific tips, openers, messages, prompts etc that have done me wonders, that I’ll reserve for folks who reach out privately. I don’t want these to go the route of blowing up on TikTok and having everyone use them.
Pictures
• First and foremost, acknowledge that the default behavior for women on dating apps is to swipe left.
• Most people think each profile presented to a woman is a 50/50 between yes and no. That’s wrong. The default is to swipe no, and they swipe yes on profiles that give them a reason to swipe yes.• ⚠ IMPORTANT ⚠: Sometimes there could be nothing wrong with your profile, but simply nothing stands out enough to justify swiping on you, especially when women have limited swipes to use. This is probably the most common case I see, and ask yourself if this could be the issue with your profile (hint, more than likely it may be).
• The objectives of your pictures should be to:
• Establish a base level of attraction. You don’t have to be a model, but you have to be attractive enough. A funny 6 with a stable career and a good personality has better odds than a 9 without either of those.
• Once again, this is age dependent. Typically, women tend to de-emphasize looks the older they get. Rather, they place more of an emphasis on the complete picture.
• Establish social competency. Does this person look like he’s socially competent? Has friends? Has a life? Can I bring him places?• Help them picture what it would be like dating you. Can you integrate into their life and vice versa? How would the two of you look like as a couple? How would the two of you look in pictures?• Signaling - Beyond what your pictures overtly show, what do else they imply?
• For example, if I see a picture of someone running a marathon:• The initial takeaway could “they enjoy running”. But such a picture implies signals beyond that:• It signals that they prioritize their health• It signals that they have the discipline to train for a marathon• It signals that they enjoy taking on new challenges and push themselves.• All of these are signals of traits that most people find attractive.• Again, think about what your pictures signal about you beyond just what they explicitly show
• Signaling cuts the opposite way too. For example, if I see a picture of a car selfie:
• The initial takeaway could be "they look decent in this pic”. But there are signals beyond that:• You might not have a lot of friends, which is why you're taking pictures of yourself• You might not have much of a social life if you're taking pictures while in your car• You’re might self conscious and concerned about self image a lot, if you’re constantly taking pictures of yourself. You might even be vain!• In essence, what was thought to be a picture of you looking good, actually communicated a number of negative signals about yourself
• Are all these signals 100% accurate? No, but it’s how we pattern match and evaluate cues when sifting through a buffet of options. These happen consciously and unconsciously, so it’s important to be mindful of the signals you’re putting out through your pictures• That said, the looks of the friends in your pictures is equally as important as your own looks. It signals what types of people you hang out with, what types of people you’re friends with, and what types of people gravitate towards you.
• Icks are real. Most men (and even women) have a hard time understanding/describing what an ick is, and what triggers one. Allow me to explain:
• An ick is anything that evokes second hand embarrassment. This could be for a number of reasons (and this is why different people have different icks), but the most common reason is due to signaling low masculinity• For example, I had a friend (girl) who stopped talking to a guy after he sent her a video of him playing the bongos at a bar he went to. To her, he looked goofy while doing so, and it gave her the ick to the point where she felt the urge to cut it off altogether• Is it fair? No. Is it common? Yes. Different women have different icks that they care about to varying degrees. There’s not really much you can do beyond maybe being a bit more mindful and having a bit more self awareness. The tolerance for being goofy typically goes up the better/longer you know someone
• For the love of God, do not use pictures of memes, items, places etc. that do not feature you in it• Candids are the best pics - genuine pictures that capture an authentic glimpse of you. Think about varying how many candids and posed shots you have - you'd ideally want a balance of both• You have 6 pics, (depending on the app). This is this an opportunity to show off as many sides to you as possible. Try to stitch a well rounded depiction of yourself. A common mistake I see is men over indexing on a particular attribute they have. For example, if they're into weightlifting, they'll post 4 /6 pics solely showing off their body
• For every single picture you have on your profile, you should be able to answer the question, “what do I hope this picture will convey about me?”. Start with the attribute first and work your way backwards
• For every single picture you have on your profile, you should be able to answer the question, “what do I hope this picture will convey about me?”. Start with the attribute first and work your way backwards
• Another common issue men have is not having enough good pictures. If you don’t have good pics, then go get some. Dating is intentional and it’s not just going to magically fall in your lap. This applies to pictures as well - plan ahead any time you go somewhere and capitalize on any opportunity you might have to get a good pic. There were times I went out, solely for the opportunity to get a good candid, and it paid off.
Prompts
• The point of prompts is twofold:
1. Get them to pause. So many people have bland, generic, copy pasted prompts that all blend together and are often scrolled and skipped past. Your job is to get them to stop.Seriously - observe how a girl goes through her likes stack. Scroll scroll scroll X. Scroll scroll scroll X. Scroll scroll scroll X. Get them to break this pattern.This can be accomplished through humor, something they didn’t expect, or something that catches their interest. Ideally you want them to break this pattern, while also communicating something about yourself
2. Help them fill in the gaps of the person they think you are through your pics. Your pictures alone will conjure a depiction of the type of person you might me, solely based on assumptions. Prompts exist to counteract or reinforce these assumptions.Convince them that you’re not all looks OR convince them that you’re still cool to be around, even if you aren’t the most attractive guy in the world. In either case, at the bare minimum, convince them that you’re normal and well adjusted
• Don't answer prompts literally
• This is the most common mistake guys make. Here’s an example:
• The first question you should ask yourself after a prompt is, “so what?”. This person’s most irrational fear "is accidentally sending a text to the wrong person." So what? Why do I care? What does this tell me about this person? What have I learned? How can I respond? If you can’t answer these questions, it’s probably a bad prompt. The honest response I’d give to this prompt is “no one gives a fuck”.
• Instead, be strategic about the prompts you use to convey the right attributes about yourself. For example, if you want to demonstrate your dry, sarcastic humor, find a prompt that lets you do so. Start with the attribute first and work your way backwards
• Reduce the friction to respond to a prompt. This isn’t possible for every prompt, but think about what/how someone reading the prompt could potentially reply and initiate a conversation.
• If you can’t think of interesting prompts, there’s usually two camps. Either you’re an interesting person, but don’t know how to convey it OR you’re just not an interesting person. I can help with the former, but the onus is on you to change the latter
• Prompts are the icing on the cake of having good pics. They don’t make up for having poor pictures
Messaging
• The perfect opener is:
• Something they haven’t seen before• A question that catches them off guard• Something that makes them laugh• Something that piques their curiosity
• Considering how many options women have, it is imperative to catch their attention. Keep workshopping until you come up with an opener that works for you - it took a while, but I eventually came up with an opener that fit two of the criteria above, that had a 90%-95% response rate• Texting should not be an interview. Learn how to banter. Learn how to flirt. Learn how to flirt over text - there’s a difference. If you don’t know where to start, ask your sister or a friend who’s a girl to show you their texts between them and another girl friend and compare. Even if you can spit game IRL, that doesn't always translate into being a good texter
• Text with personality and almost a sense of whimsicality. Keep them on their toes, not knowing what’s going to come next from you - this is what makes a conversation engaging. This doesn’t mean be quirky and random for the sake of it
• Talk to them like you’d talk to a friend you’ve known forever. Not only does this signal confidence, but it leads to a much better conversation overall• There are two types of small talk:
1. Riffing/banter on non-trivial topics. This form of small talk does wonders. Some people operate under the impression that your conversation needs to be "deep" in order to be meaningful - this couldn't be farther from the truth. In fact, it can be exhausting to have such conversations sometimes.2. Robotic, forced small talk - i.e interviewing “where are you from?" "how long have you lived here?" etc. This form of small talk is painful and leads nowhereTo know which type of small talk you’re engaging in, see if you can predict their response. If you can predict how they’re going to respond, it’s the robotic type of small talk.
• Talk to them like you’d talk to a friend you’ve known forever. Not only does this signal confidence, but it leads to a much better conversation overall• If you know what you’re doing, intentions can be established within the first 5-8 messages between each other• Be direct and be authentic. It’s a breath of fresh air• Be intentional with your response times. This goes back to the “push and pull”. Know when to respond right away, and when to take a little bit longer• Once you’ve done it enough, this approach can be templatised for the sake of efficiency, so you’re not having to pore over every single match
Where does this advice come from?
• You should ask this question any time you get advice - make sure to always qualify feedback/advice• I'm not a dating coach or a dating expert (I think those are scams anyways), but I do think I'm pretty good at pattern recognition and reading people• I've had a long career in sales, which has helped me refine this skill• I also lived in multiple cities growing up, where I observed nuances in dating markets from geography to geography and culture to culture• Again, all dating advice should be contextualized and taken with a grain of salt, and this applies to my advice as well
Common Questions
I’ve done everything and I’m still not getting matchesI find that hard to believe, but sometimes (actually, it’s a lot of times) it’s beyond your dating profile. Pictures and prompts can’t fix being boring, having no style, or not being in shape. Invest in much energy into yourself as you do into your dating profile. Your profile should be an honest reflection of the person you areShould I still use dating apps?In my opinion, yes. There is no better mechanism to cast a wide net and come across people you wouldn’t on a day to day basis. I met my now wife from apps, and there’s no way I would have ran into her IRL, just considering where each of us lived and frequented. You don’t have exclusively date IRL or on dating apps, there is exists a middle ground that combines the best of both worlds.Are there cases where this advice doesn’t apply?100%. Again, dating is an art, not a science. Most people’s attachment and attraction styles are shaped by their upbringing, culture, and circumstances, but the principles in this guide can be applied to most cases, in my opinionWhy does dating have to be so hard?Remember, this is the most important decision you’ll make in your life, and you only need to find 1 person to make it all worth it. it doesn’t matter if you’ve had 1 rejection, 10 rejections, or 100 rejections. All you need is 1 success to make it all worth it.
Where do I go from here?
The above are general principles that I hope you use and apply to improve your dating life.If you'd like tailored advice and actionable feedback specific to you, there are 4 ways I can potentially help you out:
Profile Teardown - You’ll get a detailed report on first impressions, specific feedback, what you’re doing well, what you’re not doing well, where you can improve beyond your dating profile, and actionable next steps. Brutally honest.
Messaging teardown - Do matches not respond, stop responding, or can you not get a date? Let’s see what’s going on. We'll do deep dive into your current messaging, discuss common pitfalls and root of ghosting, and discuss tactics to make your messaging more engaging, leading to more dates.
Considerations - Do you have new pictures and prompts you're considering, and want feedback? Or general questions you want to ask? This is an avenue for one-off inquiries.
Guide to casual intimacy [Coming Soon] - As the title implies, this a guide to pursuing casual intimacy off of dating apps. It's coming soon, so don't hit the button just yet!
Everything - Everything above, bundled into one package
Occasionally, I'll send out promo codes for the packages above and free guides I write up, on new techniques I've learned. Drop your email below if interested: